So, Abi asked me why I was making a floor plan of the American Fork house. I told her it is because I am going to use it in my blog to talk about my childhood. It was a very important part of my childhood. Abi said she doesn't have many childhood memories. My other children don’t either as a rule. I have childhood memories—lots of them. And I have a great deal of angst that seems to be centered in my childhood.
Here are some definitions of angst:
- A feeling of dread, anxiety, anguish or apprehension often accompanied by depression.
- A kind of fear or anxiety; Angst is German for “fear.” It is usually applied to a deep and essentially philosophical anxiety about the world in general or personal freedom. (See existentialism.)
So, why do I have so much angst about my childhood (which has obviously been accompanied by depression) and anxiety about the world in general? I think this is probably a question that if it were answered could explain all of my problems in life. My children have no angst about their childhoods (with the possible exception of Amanda). They don’t even have memories—an issue for another discussion.
So, in an effort to rid myself of this angst, I plan to put into writing in my blog many childhood memories (good and bad) to see if the sheer effort of writing them down will allow them to stop plaguing me. I’m sorry you will have to be a part of this process (should you continue to read my blog that is).
And I apologize in advance to anyone (living or dead) I may offend in my memoirs. Just remember, it is a landfill and will eventually be bulldozed under.
Ok, now I have never said I have NO childhood memories. I have lots of memories. I just don't remember mundane things from childhood. I do remember quite a bit. I could probably do a layout of the AF house myself, for example. So there... =)
ReplyDeleteOh, and I want to say I love you and I think you are very courageous and brave for sharing your feelings here (and don't construe that in any way other than it's a hard thing for anyone to do).
ReplyDeleteI look forward to hearing your angsty memories! I must defend myself (and secondarily, you)in saying that I have many wonderful positive memories from childhood along with the angsty memories. So there... =) as Abi would put it.
ReplyDeleteMy childhood memories just aren't super vivid - but they are overall happy. I would say that my memory (aside from short-term memory) in general is not as good as other people. I am happy you've decided to share your feelings with everyone...hopefully it will help :)
ReplyDeleteDo you want to know about my childhood memories?! Probably not -- I fear they would only tend to get me in trouble. Which is why I'm not a writer. But I've always said that age 50 was the cutoff for gathering material, and then I would start writing. That will put me about exactly where you are. And don't worry too much -- I don't think Mom and Dad spend a lot of time in blogworld. But I do, so only nice things please.
ReplyDelete